Sleepless by SYSO

Tomorrow I have a meeting with the business office at Garfield, a meeting with my counselor, a pedicure/overdue hangout with a friend, a trip to IKEA with mom, and possibly a trip downtown to look at a dress with a different friend.

Today I babysat from 7:30 am until 5:30 pm which included treking downtown to meet the mother for lunch and then a ten block walk UP hills with a seven and a five year old. Plus they both broke out in tears because their mom's been working all summer and they miss her.

Yesterday I auditioned.
I didn't get nervous. Ever. From the moment I woke up until the moment we left Shorecrest High School, I wasn't nervous. In my audition, my scales were shaky, my bow hand wasn't steady but the notes were in tune, and I wasn't shaky because I was nervous, I wasn't nervous. I have a habit of messing up just because I CAN. I know it sounds stupid but it's like, auditions have this reputation of being scary and getting nervous for them, blah blah blah. and I don't really get nervous so why do I mess up? I think it's just because I feel like I'm supposed to. That's so dumb. I only prepared one page of the concerto and so when I finished I told them that was all I had prepared but did they want me to go on? The main guy, Stephen Radcliffe, who conducts the highest orchestra in the Seattle Youth Symphony Orchestras, the Youth Orchestra, said "no, no" in a surprised tone, "that was a good excerpt... very revealing."
So what the fuck does that mean?! Very revealing?! Like oh, "I see your awful bow position and I heard those out of tune thirds that would be in tune had you studied arpeggios, all of which I picked up from your revealing excerpt." OR is it more like, oh, "It was shaky and off at first but once you sunk in and got settled in the music, that excerpt really revealed what a great musician you are and I'm pleasantly surprised and am putting you in Youth." Then as I left the audition he told me I played a great audition but now was the small talk, or the honest truth?
All of these things are keeping me up and I know they shouldn't. Music means a different thing to every person and while there are necessary requirements like good tone, good rhythm, whatever, music really is only worth whatever it means to each person who hears it. So maybe Radcliffe has a knack for musical cellists who aren't as strong in technical studies and maybe my excerpt really touched him in an intricate way. Or maybe he's much more of a technical loyalist and he found that my excerpt could have been a little more technically developed for his taste. I know in theory that what orchestra I'm assigned to is based on so many tiny variables that its really not analyzable yet... I still can't sleep.

Yesterday after the audition and after the remainder of the day passed, dad took me to Darek's for dinner at the last minute. Darek's wife Amy gave birth six days ago and now their three year old Lyra is a big sister. Darek and Amy were both exhausted but still had us over for dinner, albeit on paper plates :), and it was wonderful. Most of the time Amy had to excuse herself to nurse Penelope, the six day old but I really liked talking to Darek. He gave me some really really good only child advice and I feel like that won't be the last time I ever go to him for guidance. It was a nice end to the day.


I feel better Calysta. Maybe I can sleep now?